Hey, how ya' doin'? It's been a long while...working, family life and blogging, one of them had to give. So, I'm back to blogging, which means I'm not working outside the home. My blog is about to take a big turn; I'll still write about theology and life, but it's going to have a different flavor. My family and I are about to take an official step onto a new, but well trodden and ancient, path. We are going to be officially enrolled as catechumens in the Antiochian Orthodox Christian Church at St. John's Orthodox Cathedral in Eagle River, Alaska.
How the heck did this happen?
Yeah, I have wondered this myself for many, many months. At first I wanted to make sure this isn't the theology nerd equivalent of a mid-life crisis. Some people might buy a sports car, others might have an affair, others might have plastic surgery, but do theology nerds fall in love with another faith and jump ship?
Looking back I can see the fingerprints of God throughout my life priming me for this decision, however, the turning point happened just over a year ago. I attended a training for Catechesis of the Good Shepherd at St. John's in June 2014 and I had the opportunity to attend the Divine Liturgy. My first physical impressions in no particular order: dang this is long, it is crazy hot in here, can I sit down?, they sure like incense, I can't see what the priests are doing, the icons are pretty. On the surface, these are fairly vapid and superficial observations, but I was a good little theology nerd and paid attention to the content too.
The beauty and the history of the Liturgy bowled me over. The Divine Liturgy of St. John Chrysostom has been used in the Orthodox Christian East since the 5th century. I could see the historical roots of the Mass within the Divine Liturgy and I kept thinking, this is how we all used to do it - way, way back in the day. I felt a connection to my ancestors in the faith - the saints and martyrs of the early Church - that I have never experienced in the Mass. It also warmed the heart of this Trinitarian geek to hear the Trinity mentioned so many times and that Mary, the Theotokos, the God bearer, was not only mentioned but reverenced, as is fitting to her role as the first disciple.
I have been to a few other Divine Liturgies in my life, but it was clear that I was an outsider and occasionally called a heretic (gee, thanks). That wasn't the case at St. John's and it was fantastic to be able to sit down with a few Orthodox theology nerds after the Liturgy and ask questions. The point that stayed with me from the discussions is that while we have the same early history, Orthodoxy is not just the Eastern branch of the Church. I had always heard that the Eastern Orthodox Church was the sister Church of Catholicism and that it was historical events and translation issues that kept us apart. However, there are significant theological and structural differences between East and West (which I'll blog about in the future). I wondered about these differences for months and would occasionally ask questions of my new found Orthodox friends.
After the Catechesis of the Good Shepherd training, I returned home to Juneau and didn't think much about the Divine Liturgy until I went to Mass the next time. I thought about the Divine Liturgy every single time I went to Mass and felt that "something" was missing. I recalled the overabundant beauty of the Sanctuary, the smell of the incense, the sound of the a capella music which is so different from modern Mass music, and an inexpressible feeling that I was in communion with history. The word that repeatedly came to mind when thinking about the Divine Liturgy was and is "gratuitous" and in comparison the Mass seems "naked".
Finally, I broke down and told my fellow theology nerd of Orthodox extraction, who used to be Catholic, that I couldn't stop thinking about the Divine Liturgy. She bought me a book, Light From the Christian East, and we talked and talked. I read more books, listened to podcasts, wondered, asked questions, read more books, and so on.
In June I returned to St. John's to complete the Catechesis of the Good Shepherd training, but I arrived a few days early so I could attend the Divine Liturgy before class started. Would the Liturgy be as striking as I remembered or was I simply under the romantic spell of a different theological tradition? I figured my response the Liturgy would be the answer and this time I was armed with a little more knowledge about what was happening. It was just as beautiful as I remembered. In my heart I knew I wanted to become Orthodox, however, my head was screaming "uh, what about your husband and did you forget you work for the Catholic Church?"
My husband already knew that I was researching Orthodox theology and we had some conversations about various topics: Original Sin, the Immaculate Conception, perpetual virginity of Mary to name a few. These were sticking points in the Catholic faith for one or both of us. In the course of the conversations I found out that my husband believed many Orthodox teachings. When I told him that his beliefs were not in line with the Catholic Church he said that he had heard a podcast about whatever we were chatting about on Ancient Faith Radio...which is Eastern Orthodox, but he didn't know that.
I loved the Divine Liturgy, but would my husband? My family came to visit me halfway through the course and we all attended the Liturgy. My Orthodox friends had prepared my husband for the Liturgy and basically told him, "don't be surprised if you are confused and hate it the first time." Well, he didn't hate it, in fact, he really liked it and said that it made perfect sense.
In the background, life continued to surprise us and in the midst of contemplating Orthodox stuff I found out that I was pregnant - SURPRISE! For those of you who have read previous blog entries, you know that our first baby died at term 7 years ago and that pregnancy is a pretty scary thing for me. But, this time we were in Alaska and the OB care in Juneau for a high risk pregnancy is non-existent; traveling to Anchorage for care would need to be part of the plan. This is where God kicked me out of the driver seat and said, "Hang on to your hat, kid! I'm about to take you on one crazy ride." At the end of June we found out I was expecting, the beginning of July my husband heard about a great job opening in Anchorage, the beginning of August he was hired for the job, we quit our jobs in Juneau, my husband left early for Anchorage, my parents arrived to help me finish packing and make the move. With all our stuff loaded into a U-haul truck, my parents, my son, and I drove on to the ferry in Juneau closing an exciting time in our life. After 4 days of travel, we arrived in the Anchorage area at the end of August. Now we're close to great medical care for me and our unborn baby boy and the door opened wide for us to join the Orthodox Church.
Here we are, again, at the trailhead of a new path. You'd think I'd feel scared or worried, but I don't. God has led us to this point and things have turned out pretty good in past when we've followed his lead...I just never thought it would lead me here.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Moving and prayer
It's been 2 1/2 months since the move to Juneau and most areas of my life are leveling out to a new equilibrium. However, my prayer life is still hobbling along.
First, there was the crazy, frenetic exercise of packing...
Then, there was the cross continent week long drive...
Then, there was living without our furniture, kitchen items, etc for about 2 weeks...
Then, there was unpacking...
Then, my dad came to help watch our son for 3 weeks...
Then, I was out of town for a conference...
Then, things seemed like they were settling down...
Then, my son got Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease...
Then, I got Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease...
And along the way, learning a new job, making our way around a new town, making new friends...
Most of these things are fantastic - and I'm not complaining (except for Hand, Foot, and Mouth - that's horrible!) but there have been a lot of changes and it's hard to work in prayer. Most days I feel like my Hail Mary's are like a Hail Mary pass. "Thanks God...I hope you hear this but I gotta run."
I want to do everything I used to do: Bible, meditation, discipleship program, Catechism, journaling - which took an hour each morning. The pace of my life is very different now, our living space is much smaller, and our morning routine is very busy with three of us trying to get ready and out the door. While the rest of my life is settled into its new home, it is as though my prayer life is still living out of boxes.
I have been reluctant to change my "old" prayer routine, but it has to change because my life has changed. It's time to unpack and rearrange my prayer life into an order than will work for this season of my life.
First, there was the crazy, frenetic exercise of packing...
Then, there was the cross continent week long drive...
Then, there was living without our furniture, kitchen items, etc for about 2 weeks...
Then, there was unpacking...
Then, my dad came to help watch our son for 3 weeks...
Then, I was out of town for a conference...
Then, things seemed like they were settling down...
Then, my son got Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease...
Then, I got Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease...
And along the way, learning a new job, making our way around a new town, making new friends...
Most of these things are fantastic - and I'm not complaining (except for Hand, Foot, and Mouth - that's horrible!) but there have been a lot of changes and it's hard to work in prayer. Most days I feel like my Hail Mary's are like a Hail Mary pass. "Thanks God...I hope you hear this but I gotta run."
I want to do everything I used to do: Bible, meditation, discipleship program, Catechism, journaling - which took an hour each morning. The pace of my life is very different now, our living space is much smaller, and our morning routine is very busy with three of us trying to get ready and out the door. While the rest of my life is settled into its new home, it is as though my prayer life is still living out of boxes.
I have been reluctant to change my "old" prayer routine, but it has to change because my life has changed. It's time to unpack and rearrange my prayer life into an order than will work for this season of my life.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Discipline, martyrdom, and obedience
"The very nature of marriage means saying yes before you know what it will cost you. Though you may say the 'I do' of the wedding ritual in all sincerity, it is the testing of that vow over time that makes you married. I hope that I will always have faith in the giddy wonder of romance, but in considering what makes a marriage endure, I am likely to employ such ascetic and unromantic terms as discipline, martyrdom, and obedience."
The above quote is from the book Acedia & me: A Marriage, Monks, and A Writer's Life by Kathleen Norris. It's a great read about the little discussed/known sin of acedia which is spiritual sloth or apathy. She explores the history of how acedia has been understood over time, but also her own lifelong struggle with acedia. The one area in Norris' life where she didn't experience acedia was in her marriage; she was fully committed to her husband and the commitment she made to him through everything: manic-depressive disorder, a suicide attempt, and very serious illnesses for the last several years of his life.
I can't say I've ever experience acedia, but after I read this quote my eyes filled with tears and I had to put the book down. I know only too well what Norris is talking about...and most especially now, at this time of the year. Five years ago on August 25th my first baby was stillborn at term and last year on August 21st I had a miscarriage. Five years ago today I lived in the world of "giddy wonder of romance". Martyrdom or obedience or discipline were not words I would have used to describe our marriage after only two and half years.
Now, I understand.
Burying our baby, sticking together through grief, surviving our pain, figuring out our new "normal", finding the courage to try again, learning to be parents, finding the courage to try yet again, saying goodbye to another baby, and most recently moving across the continent for a ministry position...
I understand obedience in marriage not as "yes, dear" to my husband, but "Yes, Lord" to the vow I made and staying true when times are tough. I understand discipline through the practice of saying "Yes" to marriage and life and hope, but also by saying "Yes" to Christ even on the days when I didn't want to. I understand martyrdom not as being put to death for my faith, but as dying to myself, my wants, my dreams, and my plans because God has different vision for me and my life.
The above quote is from the book Acedia & me: A Marriage, Monks, and A Writer's Life by Kathleen Norris. It's a great read about the little discussed/known sin of acedia which is spiritual sloth or apathy. She explores the history of how acedia has been understood over time, but also her own lifelong struggle with acedia. The one area in Norris' life where she didn't experience acedia was in her marriage; she was fully committed to her husband and the commitment she made to him through everything: manic-depressive disorder, a suicide attempt, and very serious illnesses for the last several years of his life.
I can't say I've ever experience acedia, but after I read this quote my eyes filled with tears and I had to put the book down. I know only too well what Norris is talking about...and most especially now, at this time of the year. Five years ago on August 25th my first baby was stillborn at term and last year on August 21st I had a miscarriage. Five years ago today I lived in the world of "giddy wonder of romance". Martyrdom or obedience or discipline were not words I would have used to describe our marriage after only two and half years.
Now, I understand.
Burying our baby, sticking together through grief, surviving our pain, figuring out our new "normal", finding the courage to try again, learning to be parents, finding the courage to try yet again, saying goodbye to another baby, and most recently moving across the continent for a ministry position...
I understand obedience in marriage not as "yes, dear" to my husband, but "Yes, Lord" to the vow I made and staying true when times are tough. I understand discipline through the practice of saying "Yes" to marriage and life and hope, but also by saying "Yes" to Christ even on the days when I didn't want to. I understand martyrdom not as being put to death for my faith, but as dying to myself, my wants, my dreams, and my plans because God has different vision for me and my life.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Are you a disciple?
Thanks to a new co-worker I have a very long reading list now (and it's AWESOME!). Most of the list has grown through conversations usually going something like this:
"Oh, have you read this book/heard of this author?"
And, the response of the mom of a 3 year old has been, "Uhhhh....no."
The first book on the list was Forming Intentional Disciples. If you are in ministry or volunteering at your parish or thinking "where are the excited Catholics?" then you must read this book.
The book is incredible and answered a lot of questions, however, it's a little depressing as well. I'm a freak about the Catholic faith - I love it! I love Jesus, I love the Church, I love the liturgy, I love theology. This pretty much has made me a freak for a long time now and I've gotten used to it. Yet, it's also pretty sad because there's a very small contingent of Catholics who are Jesus freaks - and I mean that in the best possible way.
Every year the Church loses people to evangelical Protestant churches because they have more fire in their hearts than Catholics do when it comes to Jesus. They're not afraid to talk about Jesus, but if you mention Jesus to an everyday Catholic they get a little scared. If you're one of those Catholics, then please ask yourself why does talking about Jesus make you nervous and share in the comments section.
Every Christian should be a disciple, but the sad thing is, not too many of us are in the Catholic Church. Why? Jesus is THE rock star of the universe...and dang it, he is worth talking about! Jesus, Emmanuel, God with us, the Prince of Peace, the Son of God (that's just a sampling of his titles), we should't be nervous or shy or worried or scared to talk about Him. We need to proclaim Him with our lives, but we also need to proclaim Him with our mouths.
"Oh, have you read this book/heard of this author?"
And, the response of the mom of a 3 year old has been, "Uhhhh....no."
The first book on the list was Forming Intentional Disciples. If you are in ministry or volunteering at your parish or thinking "where are the excited Catholics?" then you must read this book.
The book is incredible and answered a lot of questions, however, it's a little depressing as well. I'm a freak about the Catholic faith - I love it! I love Jesus, I love the Church, I love the liturgy, I love theology. This pretty much has made me a freak for a long time now and I've gotten used to it. Yet, it's also pretty sad because there's a very small contingent of Catholics who are Jesus freaks - and I mean that in the best possible way.
Every year the Church loses people to evangelical Protestant churches because they have more fire in their hearts than Catholics do when it comes to Jesus. They're not afraid to talk about Jesus, but if you mention Jesus to an everyday Catholic they get a little scared. If you're one of those Catholics, then please ask yourself why does talking about Jesus make you nervous and share in the comments section.
Every Christian should be a disciple, but the sad thing is, not too many of us are in the Catholic Church. Why? Jesus is THE rock star of the universe...and dang it, he is worth talking about! Jesus, Emmanuel, God with us, the Prince of Peace, the Son of God (that's just a sampling of his titles), we should't be nervous or shy or worried or scared to talk about Him. We need to proclaim Him with our lives, but we also need to proclaim Him with our mouths.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
My life reduced to 6'x7'x8'
No...I'm not in prison. The long title of this blog should be: My life reduced to 6'x7'x8', a Hyundai Elantra Touring, and a rooftop bag.
On June 7th I got a phone call from Bishop Edward Burns of the Diocese of Juneau, Alaska and I was offered the position of Executive Director of the Shrine of St. Therese. From that point forward life got a little crazy!
My husband and I sold off or gave away most of our belongings. Even my son had to part with toys and books in order to make this move - and he was a trooper. My theology book collection was reduced to the essentials. I even had to leave behind my glider (rocking chair). In the space of three weeks we packed boxes, had a garage sale, I flew to Juneau to meet the Diocesan staff and the Shrine staff, we packed a very small pod, drove from Southaven, Mississippi to Prince Rupert, British Columbia, Canada, and spent a day and a half on a ferry to Juneau. We arrived on June 28th and I started work on July 1st.
I had been praying for weeks and weeks that I would get this position, but didn't want to blog about it. Juneau seems to be heaven on earth for us.
Many people have asked if I've had second thoughts about this. And my answer is: not a one. Everything fell into place and I can see the fingerprints of God all over the place.
Please check out the Shrine website and Facebook page:
http://www.shrineofsainttherese.org/
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shrine-of-St-Therese/483369845080958
On June 7th I got a phone call from Bishop Edward Burns of the Diocese of Juneau, Alaska and I was offered the position of Executive Director of the Shrine of St. Therese. From that point forward life got a little crazy!
My husband and I sold off or gave away most of our belongings. Even my son had to part with toys and books in order to make this move - and he was a trooper. My theology book collection was reduced to the essentials. I even had to leave behind my glider (rocking chair). In the space of three weeks we packed boxes, had a garage sale, I flew to Juneau to meet the Diocesan staff and the Shrine staff, we packed a very small pod, drove from Southaven, Mississippi to Prince Rupert, British Columbia, Canada, and spent a day and a half on a ferry to Juneau. We arrived on June 28th and I started work on July 1st.
I had been praying for weeks and weeks that I would get this position, but didn't want to blog about it. Juneau seems to be heaven on earth for us.
Many people have asked if I've had second thoughts about this. And my answer is: not a one. Everything fell into place and I can see the fingerprints of God all over the place.
Please check out the Shrine website and Facebook page:
http://www.shrineofsainttherese.org/
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shrine-of-St-Therese/483369845080958
Thursday, May 16, 2013
The Worm of Worry
Worry is such an easy thing to give into, especially if you are worried about important things...employment, paying the bills, care of your children or spouse. Wait a second...Jesus said something about not worrying...
"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink ; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?...And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?...Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will wear for clothing?' But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (read the whole passage: Matthew 6:25-34)
This is when I want to say to Jesus, "Uh, yeah...right! You're God and You've got everything that You need. I'm a lowly human and my husband might lose his job and then how will we provide for our basic needs and take care of our son and...(and on and on it goes)." Before I know it, I've pushed Christ out the picture and I'm convinced that my worry will save the day. That's when Jesus says to me, "Uh, yeah...right!"
Last year I (was an idiot) and worked myself into a frenzy over worrying about my husband's employment. His department was cut due to budget constraints and I frantically worried about what we would do. Did the worry help me? Not a bit! I was (as they say in the South) a HOT MESS and my anxiety was through the roof. During the last week of the school year he found out his department had been saved. It was hard to be happy because my worry had consumed me. It took a long time to shake it.
This year I've tried not to get into a frenzy and thus far I have been pretty successful. The district is going through a merger and the future is uncertain, but what is the point in worrying? I certainly didn't had an hour to my life with all the worrying I did last year, in fact, I probably decreased the length of my life. Worry is like a worm. The more it eats, the more it grows, and the more space it takes up in your heart.
Imagine something like this eating it's way through your heart and it only gets bigger and bigger and bigger. There is less room in your heart for love or obedience to Christ or fun because your heart is being eaten by worry. YIKES!!!
If you have a worm of worry, pray that the worry be removed from your heart. Then (and this is very important), humbly ask that God fill that space with His concerns, what people or things does He want you to pray for: widows, orphans, end of abortions, civic leaders, etc. Isn't that replacing one worry for another? No, not if God is the one who puts these concerns in your heart. Then, your prayer will be guided by the Holy Spirit to pray for people or things that need prayer. And, that's way better than the Worm of Worry.
"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink ; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?...And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?...Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will wear for clothing?' But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (read the whole passage: Matthew 6:25-34)
This is when I want to say to Jesus, "Uh, yeah...right! You're God and You've got everything that You need. I'm a lowly human and my husband might lose his job and then how will we provide for our basic needs and take care of our son and...(and on and on it goes)." Before I know it, I've pushed Christ out the picture and I'm convinced that my worry will save the day. That's when Jesus says to me, "Uh, yeah...right!"
Last year I (was an idiot) and worked myself into a frenzy over worrying about my husband's employment. His department was cut due to budget constraints and I frantically worried about what we would do. Did the worry help me? Not a bit! I was (as they say in the South) a HOT MESS and my anxiety was through the roof. During the last week of the school year he found out his department had been saved. It was hard to be happy because my worry had consumed me. It took a long time to shake it.
This year I've tried not to get into a frenzy and thus far I have been pretty successful. The district is going through a merger and the future is uncertain, but what is the point in worrying? I certainly didn't had an hour to my life with all the worrying I did last year, in fact, I probably decreased the length of my life. Worry is like a worm. The more it eats, the more it grows, and the more space it takes up in your heart.
The Worm of Worry
Imagine something like this eating it's way through your heart and it only gets bigger and bigger and bigger. There is less room in your heart for love or obedience to Christ or fun because your heart is being eaten by worry. YIKES!!!
If you have a worm of worry, pray that the worry be removed from your heart. Then (and this is very important), humbly ask that God fill that space with His concerns, what people or things does He want you to pray for: widows, orphans, end of abortions, civic leaders, etc. Isn't that replacing one worry for another? No, not if God is the one who puts these concerns in your heart. Then, your prayer will be guided by the Holy Spirit to pray for people or things that need prayer. And, that's way better than the Worm of Worry.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Baby clothes
Today I did something hard. Really hard. I've prayed for years that this day would not come, but it did. In the storage room I had bin of brand new baby girl clothes, toys, and decor. Since the day my daughter was stillborn nearly 5 years ago I have prayed that I would not have to give them away unused. This morning I packed them up and gave them to a friend who recently had her 14th child.
Why did I do it? Why not just continue to hang on to them? It's not like we've given up on trying to have another baby. God willing, there will be another little Darr (oh, and btw God, I'm hoping for a girl). What's another couple years?
It was time.
It was time to let go of these adorable little clothes and let an adorable little baby wear them.
It was time to stop thinking of them as Keenan's clothes. Keenan, sadly, didn't get to wear them and if we're blessed with a little girl she will deserve her own clothes. A little girl does not need to live in the shadow of her dead sister.
It was time to stop worrying about using the clothes.
It was time to let go of the final "things" I had to connect me to Keenan. After all, it's just stuff. Keenan is hanging out with the Beatific Vision, singing with the angles and saints, and is certainly not thinking about a box of clothes in the attic.
There were a few blessings out of all this. First, every single piece will be the perfect size at the right time for my friend's little girl.
Second, the youngest child in a big family will get to wear brand new clothes. No hand me downs for this mini-fashionista.
Finally, maybe it seems silly to hang on to unworn baby clothes. What's the big deal? I have plenty of clothes that my son didn't get a chance to wear in those days that he grew like a weed and I'll probably sell them in a garage sale next week without remorse. But, when a baby dies, it's different. Every single thing that would have "belonged" to that baby becomes sacred in some way. Each item is revered as "the baby's". The truth of the matter, those things don't actually matter, it's just stuff. What matters is how much I love her and miss her and not what outfit she would have worn. Today was about letting go of stuff, but not letting go of her.
Why did I do it? Why not just continue to hang on to them? It's not like we've given up on trying to have another baby. God willing, there will be another little Darr (oh, and btw God, I'm hoping for a girl). What's another couple years?
It was time.
It was time to let go of these adorable little clothes and let an adorable little baby wear them.
It was time to stop thinking of them as Keenan's clothes. Keenan, sadly, didn't get to wear them and if we're blessed with a little girl she will deserve her own clothes. A little girl does not need to live in the shadow of her dead sister.
It was time to stop worrying about using the clothes.
It was time to let go of the final "things" I had to connect me to Keenan. After all, it's just stuff. Keenan is hanging out with the Beatific Vision, singing with the angles and saints, and is certainly not thinking about a box of clothes in the attic.
There were a few blessings out of all this. First, every single piece will be the perfect size at the right time for my friend's little girl.
Second, the youngest child in a big family will get to wear brand new clothes. No hand me downs for this mini-fashionista.
Finally, maybe it seems silly to hang on to unworn baby clothes. What's the big deal? I have plenty of clothes that my son didn't get a chance to wear in those days that he grew like a weed and I'll probably sell them in a garage sale next week without remorse. But, when a baby dies, it's different. Every single thing that would have "belonged" to that baby becomes sacred in some way. Each item is revered as "the baby's". The truth of the matter, those things don't actually matter, it's just stuff. What matters is how much I love her and miss her and not what outfit she would have worn. Today was about letting go of stuff, but not letting go of her.
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