Discipline, martyrdom, and obedience

"The very nature of marriage means saying yes before you know what it will cost you. Though you may say the 'I do' of the wedding ritual in all sincerity, it is the testing of that vow over time that makes you married. I hope that I will always have faith in the giddy wonder of romance, but in considering what makes a marriage endure, I am likely to employ such ascetic and unromantic terms as discipline, martyrdom, and obedience."

The above quote is from the book Acedia & me: A Marriage, Monks, and A Writer's Life by Kathleen Norris. It's a great read about the little discussed/known sin of acedia which is spiritual sloth or apathy. She explores the history of how acedia has been understood over time, but also her own lifelong struggle with acedia. The one area in Norris' life where she didn't experience acedia was in her marriage; she was fully committed to her husband and the commitment she made to him through everything: manic-depressive disorder, a suicide attempt, and very serious illnesses for the last several years of his life.

I can't say I've ever experience acedia, but after I read this quote my eyes filled with tears and I had to put the book down. I know only too well what Norris is talking about...and most especially now, at this time of the year. Five years ago on August 25th my first baby was stillborn at term and last year on August 21st I had a miscarriage. Five years ago today I lived in the world of "giddy wonder of romance". Martyrdom or obedience or discipline were not words I would have used to describe our marriage after only two and half years.

Now, I understand.

Burying our baby, sticking together through grief, surviving our pain, figuring out our new "normal", finding the courage to try again, learning to be parents, finding the courage to try yet again, saying goodbye to another baby, and most recently moving across the continent for a ministry position...

I understand obedience in marriage not as "yes, dear" to my husband, but "Yes, Lord" to the vow I made and staying true when times are tough. I understand discipline through the practice of saying "Yes" to marriage and life and hope, but also by saying "Yes" to Christ even on the days when I didn't want to. I understand martyrdom not as being put to death for my faith, but as dying to myself, my wants, my dreams, and my plans because God has different vision for me and my life.

Are you a disciple?

Thanks to a new co-worker I have a very long reading list now (and it's AWESOME!). Most of the list has grown through conversations usually going something like this:

"Oh, have you read this book/heard of this author?"
And, the response of the mom of a 3 year old has been, "Uhhhh....no."

The first book on the list was Forming Intentional Disciples. If you are in ministry or volunteering at your parish or thinking "where are the excited Catholics?" then you must read this book.

The book is incredible and answered a lot of questions, however, it's a little depressing as well. I'm a freak about the Catholic faith - I love it! I love Jesus, I love the Church, I love the liturgy, I love theology. This pretty much has made me a freak for a long time now and I've gotten used to it. Yet, it's also pretty sad because there's a very small contingent of Catholics who are Jesus freaks - and I mean that in the best possible way.

Every year the Church loses people to evangelical Protestant churches because they have more fire in their hearts than Catholics do when it comes to Jesus. They're not afraid to talk about Jesus, but if you mention Jesus to an everyday Catholic they get a little scared. If you're one of those Catholics, then please ask yourself why does talking about Jesus make you nervous and share in the comments section.  

Every Christian should be a disciple, but the sad thing is, not too many of us are in the Catholic Church. Why? Jesus is THE rock star of the universe...and dang it, he is worth talking about! Jesus, Emmanuel, God with us, the Prince of Peace, the Son of God (that's just a sampling of his titles), we should't be nervous or shy or worried or scared to talk about Him.  We need to proclaim Him with our lives, but we also need to proclaim Him with our mouths.

My life reduced to 6'x7'x8'

No...I'm not in prison. The long title of this blog should be: My life reduced to 6'x7'x8', a Hyundai Elantra Touring, and a rooftop bag. 

On June 7th I got a phone call from Bishop Edward Burns of the Diocese of Juneau, Alaska and I was offered the position of Executive Director of the Shrine of St. Therese. From that point forward life got a little crazy! 

My husband and I sold off or gave away most of our belongings. Even my son had to part with toys and books in order to make this move - and he was a trooper. My theology book collection was reduced to the essentials. I even had to leave behind my glider (rocking chair). In the space of three weeks we packed boxes, had a garage sale, I flew to Juneau to meet the Diocesan staff and the Shrine staff, we packed a very small pod, drove from Southaven, Mississippi to Prince Rupert, British Columbia, Canada, and spent a day and a half on a ferry to Juneau. We arrived on June 28th and I started work on July 1st. 

I had been praying for weeks and weeks that I would get this position, but didn't want to blog about it. Juneau seems to be heaven on earth for us. 

Many people have asked if I've had second thoughts about this. And my answer is: not a one. Everything fell into place and I can see the fingerprints of God all over the place. 

Please check out the Shrine website and Facebook page:

http://www.shrineofsainttherese.org/

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shrine-of-St-Therese/483369845080958

The Worm of Worry

Worry is such an easy thing to give into, especially if you are worried about important things...employment, paying the bills, care of your children or spouse.  Wait a second...Jesus said something about not worrying...

"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink ; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?...And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?...Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will wear for clothing?' But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (read the whole passage: Matthew 6:25-34)

This is when I want to say to Jesus, "Uh, yeah...right! You're God and You've got everything that You need. I'm a lowly human and my husband might lose his job and then how will we provide for our basic needs and take care of our son and...(and on and on it goes)." Before I know it, I've pushed Christ out the picture and I'm convinced that my worry will save the day. That's when Jesus says to me, "Uh, yeah...right!"

Last year I (was an idiot) and worked myself into a frenzy over worrying about my husband's employment. His department was cut due to budget constraints and I frantically worried about what we would do. Did the worry help me? Not a bit! I was (as they say in the South) a HOT MESS and my anxiety was through the roof. During the last week of the school year he found out his department had been saved. It was hard to be happy because my worry had consumed me. It took a long time to shake it.

This year I've tried not to get into a frenzy and thus far I have been pretty successful. The district is going through a merger and the future is uncertain, but what is the point in worrying? I certainly didn't had an hour to my life with all the worrying I did last year, in fact, I probably decreased the length of my life. Worry is like a worm. The more it eats, the more it grows, and the more space it takes up in your heart.

The Worm of Worry

Imagine something like this eating it's way through your heart and it only gets bigger and bigger and bigger. There is less room in your heart for love or obedience to Christ or fun because your heart is being eaten by worry. YIKES!!!

If you have a worm of worry, pray that the worry be removed from your heart. Then (and this is very important), humbly ask that God fill that space with His concerns, what people or things does He want you to pray for: widows, orphans, end of abortions, civic leaders, etc. Isn't that replacing one worry for another? No, not if God is the one who puts these concerns in your heart. Then, your prayer will be guided by the Holy Spirit to pray for people or things that need prayer. And, that's way better than the Worm of Worry.

Baby clothes

Today I did something hard. Really hard. I've prayed for years that this day would not come, but it did. In the storage room I had bin of brand new baby girl clothes, toys, and decor. Since the day my daughter was stillborn nearly 5 years ago I have prayed that I would not have to give them away unused. This morning I packed them up and gave them to a friend who recently had her 14th child.

Why did I do it? Why not just continue to hang on to them? It's not like we've given up on trying to have another baby. God willing, there will be another little Darr (oh, and btw God, I'm hoping for a girl). What's another couple years?

It was time.

It was time to let go of these adorable little clothes and let an adorable little baby wear them.

It was time to stop thinking of them as Keenan's clothes. Keenan, sadly, didn't get to wear them and if we're blessed with a little girl she will deserve her own clothes. A little girl does not need to live in the shadow of her dead sister.

It was time to stop worrying about using the clothes.

It was time to let go of the final "things" I had to connect me to Keenan. After all, it's just stuff. Keenan is hanging out with the Beatific Vision, singing with the angles and saints, and is certainly not thinking about a box of clothes in the attic.

There were a few blessings out of all this. First, every single piece will be the perfect size at the right time for my friend's little girl.

Second, the youngest child in a big family will get to wear brand new clothes. No hand me downs for this mini-fashionista.

Finally, maybe it seems silly to hang on to unworn baby clothes. What's the big deal? I have plenty of clothes that my son didn't get a chance to wear in those days that he grew like a weed and I'll probably sell them in a garage sale next week without remorse. But, when a baby dies, it's different. Every single thing that would have "belonged" to that baby becomes sacred in some way. Each item is revered as "the baby's". The truth of the matter, those things don't actually matter, it's just stuff. What matters is how much I love her and miss her and not what outfit she would have worn. Today was about letting go of stuff, but not letting go of her.

The internal 3 year old

I try to have quiet prayer time early in the morning - after my husband goes to work and before anyone else wakes. Most days my little guy wakes up around 6:24 am; the kid has one accurate internal clock. Somedays I'm really lucky and he sleeps until 7:00 am.

Usually when he wakes up he comes and says good morning to me and I walk him back to his room, "It's too early to be up and running around. Nanny and Papa are still sleeping." I also have to add "and don't come out of your room until I come get you." Some mornings he's great and plays in his room, other mornings he's a nut running in and out of his room, calling for me, and my prayer time consists of short bursts of "God help me."

For whatever reason, the other day I told him he could stay with me during my quiet prayer. "You can either lay on the couch quietly or you can sit in my lap." He chose to lay on the couch. After 5 minutes of endless shifting and talking to me, I picked him up and sat him in my lap.

He relaxed as soon as I set him in my lap and snuggled into me. "It's time to be very quiet and still. Mommy's going to pray and you can say your prayers to Jesus." I closed my eyes and listened to him as he whispered his prayers. It was very sweet and I thought, I'm not doing too bad at this Mommy thing.

Then...a small whisper..."Excuse me, Mommy." I decided to keep my eyes closed and try to focus. A small hand reached up and stroked my face accompanied by an emphatic whisper, "Excuse me, Mommy."

I opened my eyes, "Yes, what is it?"

This apparently was an invitation to a waterfall of questions and observations and squirminess. And then it dawned on me...I joke around about having a hamster wheel for a brain, but really, when I pray I'm more like a 3 year old sitting in the lap of the Lord. Constantly chattering, pointing out bright shiny things, asking questions, squirming, daydreaming, all the while trying to be still and present. I couldn't get upset with him because I was too busy laughing at myself.

Finally, the 3 year old in my lap settled down and the 3 year old in my head quieted down. We got 2 solid minutes of stillness and it was a lovely way to start the day.

Not your average catechist

Why is Catechesis of the Good Shepherd (CGS) so awesome?  Two reasons: it respects the intelligence of the child and the catechists are awesome (I'm not tooting my own horn.  Really.)

I'll start by highlight a "problem" with regular religious education programs in parishes.  Most programs rely on volunteers who in the goodness of their hearts offer their time to the children of the parish - this is NOT the problem.  The problem comes down to training and the books.  A lot of the people I know who teach religious education have had the moment where they think, "What the heck am I doing?"  This is the problem.

When I was younger - long before a theology degree - I volunteered to be a catechist at my parish.  I was excited about my faith, but I didn't always know how to convey it to the 8th graders in my care.  Worse yet, I didn't even have a text to work from.  I was told to discuss topics which I was not informed of until the moment I arrived.  On top of this scary scenario, the Director offered no help.  I don't doubt the power of the Holy Spirit to swoop in a fill in all the many gaps, but this was a recipe for disaster.  I managed to flounder through the first part of the year and then I "resigned".  I felt the kids deserved better.  Looking back with the benefit of experience and education, it was a huge mistake that I was even placed with that class.  A significant background check was run on my non-existant criminal history, but there wasn't a background check on my theological and religious knowledge or my ability to teach.

Don't even get me started on the "textbooks" that are out there.  My biggest beef with the textbooks is that the writers don't respect the intelligence of the child and the faith is watered down.  And, this is why CGS will trump textbook religious education classes everyday of the week.  CGS respects the fact that kids, especially little kids, are sponges.  They delight in learning the proper names for the articles of the Mass or learning a song in Latin.  Furthermore, CGS actually fosters religious experience - communing with God - that a classroom setting can rarely create.

CGS catechists are often volunteers, but they have to make the commitment to complete training.  Each catechist goes through intensive training that is approved by The National of the Association Catechesis of the Good Shepherd USA.  The training is either a 2 week intensive format or a weekend format meeting several times in a year.  Level I training (3-6 year olds) focuses on the most essential elements of the faith: the Mass, the Infancy Narratives, Baptism, several parables of Christ, the Good Shepherd, some of the Old Testament prophecies about Christ, and laying the foundation for the moral life.  Each catechist then creates an album page (lesson plan) for each presentation (lesson) and creates an album (lesson book).  Essentially, each catechist writes her own book that is used to teach the children.  The process of writing each album page helps the catechist to internalize the teaching.  

It is a huge undertaking for a parish to being CGS, but it is definitely worth the effort.  I have written before that Catechesis of the Good Shepherd (CGS) would start a revolution in the Church. I am part of what I like to call the "Rainbow and Sunshine Jesus" generation. American Catholics, of a certain age, were not taught the foundational theology and dogmas of Christ and His Church, rather we got a watered down, feel good, hippy-dippy catechism that had no substance to make us crave Christ and no backbone to support us when life got hard. An entire Catholic generation was lost under the banner of "experimentation".

The Church doesn't need any more experiments; it needs children who know the Good Shepherd.