Forgive and Forget?

I'm still making my way through Set Free: The Authentic Catholic Woman's Guide to Forgiveness. It's a profound, thoughtful book that has led me to some serious introspection and I take it in small doses. Also, active three year olds aren't exactly understanding of the need for introspection. If you haven't gotten this book yet, then please do.

Genevieve Kineke addresses one of the most often quoted thoughts about forgiveness: forgive and forget. But, is that really possible? Kineke makes an excellent distinction on forgetting. In small, trifling matters I should forget the hurt, but for bigger, habitual, or traumatic injuries forgetting is not wise.

In the case of habitual hurts, say at the hands of an abusive parent, it would be stupid to "forget" the injury after forgiveness. Why? Because you set yourself up to be hurt over and over and over again. Protecting my heart from someone who has been known to trample on it is not selfish or un-Christian, it is wise. Sometimes I have to end a relationship because it is damaging to the soul and other times I have to be a little smarter in how much I trust or what I share.

In the case of traumatic hurts, forgetting is practically impossible and certainly not normal. Kineke shares a powerful story of a rape victim and her search for forgiveness, but you'll just have to buy the book to get the story. I'll share a quote though,

"We should not ask for the ability to forget the sins against us but rather to remember them in a way that we can manage, that will give glory to God for his great mercy..." (page 84)

The Sacrament of Reconciliation was part of my grad school studies, but it had more to do with the history of the sacrament, Biblical theology, and the nuts and bolts of the sacrament. Unfortunately, we didn't spend much time talking about the "how-to's": how to help people see the need for forgiveness and the Sacrament; how forgiveness is a process; how to pray to be able to forgive; how to know my forgiveness is earnest.

 I'm glad I've got Set Free now, not only for myself, but to help me in ministry.

Book on Forgiveness

I'm in the midst of reading a GREAT book on forgiveness: Set Free: The Authentic Catholic Woman's Guide to Forgiveness by Genevieve Kineke. I'm planning to write a proper book review when I finish, but I couldn't wait to share some of the wisdom.

Are you waiting for an apology from someone who has hurt you? Here's why Kineke says that is a bad idea:

"...if your forgiveness hinges on the other's contrition, then he or she is exercising a control over you that is entirely unwarranted. If you put forgiveness in the hands of the wrongdoer then you hand your eternal destiny to a finite creature..."(page 26)

Yikes! I had never thought about waiting for an apology in that way, but it makes perfect sense.  Christ commanded forgiveness, but if I'm harboring a resentment and waiting for an apology, then that is doing harm to my soul.

Another pearl of wisdom that got me was about the act of forgiving. "Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling." (page 31). I have been in the position when I have wanted to forgive someone - made the decision to put the hurt behind me - but found that I got upset again if I was reminded of the incident. I thought that meant I hadn't really forgiven the hurt and had to wait until it no longer bothered me. Not so! Her advice is to forgive and if you get upset about the incident in the future, then make another act of forgiveness. It makes so much sense since forgiving can be a long and hard process.

Is it necessary to say 'I forgive you' to the person who has wronged you? Depending on the hurt and who did it, it may not be necessary. In some cases, confronting the person can bring back painful memories or perhaps the person has died. So long as I can pray for that person and the idea of meeting them in heaven doesn't fill me with dread or anger, then the forgiveness is real.

These are just a few of the nuggets I've gotten from this book and I'm barely a quarter of the way through. I highly recommend this book for anyone.